Navigating Blended families -Part 4

As we conclude this chapter of blended families , I share a few suggestions that migt be of Help to someone transitioning into blended family life. 

Disclaimer:
I am not a relationship expert , therapist or counselor , but these views I share are based on the interactions and experiences I have had  with various individuals who are or were raised in a blended or step family.

Plan your blended family structure and all in advance with certain basic principles to rely on as you all adjust and find your rhythm later as the family  gets to be more stable. However do not go into a blended family with a lot of expectations. Things can be unpredictable but prepare and brace for whichever situation.

Give yourself time to heal before starting a new relationship so that you have a great fresh start to prevent moving forward unhealed wounds from the previous relationship to the next one .

Just like any relationship , communication is an important aspect. Mentally , emotionally prepare yourself and the children before the commencement of building a blended family. Establish clear communication between you , your partner and the children.  Talk to your children, communicate, children understand more than they can express. Talk about things together and forge ahead together. Give them a simple explanation or insight on why the family situation is changing in the simplest way possible to match the child’s age group.

Work together as a team with your partner on various issues concerning your family so that matters concerning the family are agreed  upon  in advance to avoid contradicting opinions which may confuse the children or other parties involved or make you seem divided.

Seek professional help if you can afford to help you find balance in your life and family as well.

There is so much to share about blended families , but all in all you have to be more intentional and disciplined to make  your blended family an enjoyable experience for the children , yourself and partner.

You can also read part 1 to 3 on the links below

Navigating Blended Families Part One

Navigating Blended Families Part Two

Navigating Blended Families Part Three

Author : Akoth mary Theodorah

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NAVIGATING BLENDED FAMILIES

According to research, 1,300 step or blended families are formed everyday and 30 million children under the age of 13 are living in a step or blended family.

Currently many of us are born or raised or related to someone in a blended family.  And for some reason, we are struggling with several issues like identity crisis, hot temperedness etc. But how can we ensure that the past mistakes are not passed on to the younger generation?

On the other hand, having children doesn’t mean that your life has ended.  But, it means you have a responsibility to raise them into responsible adults who can take care of themselves and not become a burden to you and society at large.

A story is told of Amelia, a young woman, 35 years of age who met Josef and they fell in love and got married. Josef was divorced with 5 children (1 girl  and 4 boys aged  15, 12,10 , 8 and 4 respectively) and Amelia had none but they were committed to raising their children in a safe and harmonious home.

Before marriage , Josef introduced Amelia to the children on her birthday as a friend after which they would casually meet and try to let the children know Amelia and for Amelia to know the children as well.

Josef’s children quickly warmed up to Amelia except for the 10 year old boy who openly shared his feelings about how he never wanted Amelia to replace his mother and his mother would soon come back. This boy was equivalent to 10 mischievous children, he pulled all sorts of stunts  on Amelia, some even life threatening .

All in all, it is difficult to get children to blend in a blended family. Often, there will be a child or several of them who are against the whole idea of the blended family. But, there are also those who are warm and will even request their parents to get a partner. It takes a lot of patience and being intentional about several aspects of the relationship to actually make it work.

How do you as a parent maintain or create that bond between you and your children when your children are being raised by someone else. What is the fate and future of those children?

And what are the pros and cons of bringing your children into the relationship?

We have also witnessed or  heard of children being abused in some of these relationships by either partners.

How do you create a peaceful and a safe environment for the children and the spouses?

Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah

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NAVIGATING BLENDED FAMILIES part 2

In the olden days and maybe not much currently, if a woman had a child or children and decided to re-marry or get married, those children from previous relationships were mostly left behind with grandmothers (grand parents).

Sometimes,  the children were even kept  a secret from the new partner. This was partly because of the fear of rejection by the new partner. Additionally, it was because children from previous relationships were considered burdens that would threaten the newly found relationship and the list goes on.

These scenarios have left children in a very confusing state, with serious emotional and social problems, mental health struggles etc.  These children kept in the dark wonder how to refer  to their parents, how or who to approach  when they are in need. Wherever they live, they are always going to be second or third class members of those homes, without the same right to make demands or mistakes like other kids from the nuclear side of that home.

25% of youth in the USA have serious social and emotional problems resulting from being a product of a blended or step family, according to the Step Family Foundation . Not that blended families are entirely bad. In fact, many of them have big merits, a story we have reserved for another day….

What about us here in Uganda where more accurate statistics are unavailable, unknown.These children, when young, end up calling their grandparents their parents and their real parents siblings or aunt.

It is always a shocking revelation for the younger children as they grow up to find out  about their real parents  wondering what is really wrong with them that their own parents have distanced themselves from them.

To be continued in part 3……..

Read Navigating Blended families Part One too

Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah

THE SEED OF HATRED IN FAMILIES

From the olden days to today, it was and is common for families to inherit hatred from their forefathers who inherited from their great forefathers and the lineage of inheritance is even sometimes hard to trace.

And sometimes the reasons for the hatred aren’t clear or no one can explain but all they know is; “we are not supposed to like so and so or we are meant to make their life miserable without any reasons or because mum or dad said or that’s how it was with grandpa and grandma”

some of these cycles of hatred start simple like a sibling who is struggling to make it and blames his or her failures on another just because they are succeeding.

It can also start when wives of brothers disagree or borrow resources and fail to pay or return them damaged or even fail to apologize for very minor offences… All these can escalate into cycles of hatred.

I think this is dangerous for families, because without strong families as the basic unit of a nation, development and character formation then there’s a lot of chaos that everyone needs to brace for.

As individuals don’t let emotions ruin your generation, don’t be selfish and think about how hurt you are, the seed of hatred you are planting will affect your generation even when you are long gone. Self-control, composure, patience, and silence, among others, are something that we all need to cultivate.

There are indeed individuals who will test and press and push all your pressure points just to get a reaction that can justify their wrongdoing.
it is good to prevent and avoid such circumstances until you are in the right state of mind, with all facts or objective enough to face them and resolve any issues.

I don’t know what the afterlife looks like but leave a legacy so that when you are in your grave you are comfortable, not being cursed now and then because you left a mess behind.

Don’t give strangers the chance to inherit your property and riches while your seed, your children and your lineage dust themselves with and in poverty just because you drifted away from family and no one knows anything about you or you never invested in building a trusting relationship within the family.

Don’t be selfish and think about your legacy, some issues can be handled and solved don’t drag children into it.

However, it is important to share your experiences with your children to learn but be wise not to let them be in the dark and fall into your old mistakes

It’s true that some enemies or those we offended or offended us look for revenge, sometimes even on our children, prepare them but let hatred not be a seed planted in a family.

For polygamous or blended homes, the initiator(s) of the family should ensure all their families have a common ground, they may not like each other but let them have a common ground to support one another if need be. Truth is you may feel you don’t need anyone today but you just never know what tomorrow holds.

Author: Ajal Mary Theodorah